How to control emotions, how to accept yourself 如何控制情绪，怎样接纳自我

 

Here are some things you can change:

●　Drugs cannot cure panic disorder, but changing concepts can cure panic disorder;

●　Cognitive therapy can easily treat sexual dysfunction, such as frigidity, impotence, and premature ejaculation;

●　Those emotions that are harmful to the body can be controlled;

●　Changing the conscious way of thinking or drugs can treat depression, but it is futile to use psychological analysis to dig out childhood trauma;

●　Optimism is a skill that can be learned. Once acquired, your career and health can be improved.

Here are some things you cannot change:

●　In the long run, dieting cannot lose weight;

●　It is not easy for children to change their gender identity;

●　Alcoholism is incurable;

●　Homosexuals will not become heterosexuals;

●　Re-experiencing childhood trauma will not help adults with personality problems.

What should we do about things that cannot be changed? The most important thing is to find out what you cannot change. But it doesn't end here. There are usually many ways to help us change.

How to reduce anxiety in life?

Recommend two techniques that have been proven to be effective in improving daily anxiety after a lot of research. Both of these techniques have no immediate effect, and both require you to spend 20-40 minutes a day and use them persistently.

The first technique is progressive relaxation training. It must be done at least once a day (preferably twice) for at least 10 minutes each time. In progressive relaxation training, you must first tighten the muscles of your body, and then slowly relax the main muscles of your body until it relaxes completely. Most of the time, relaxation training has a feedback system. This feedback system is opposed to anxiety.

The second technique is meditation. Transcendental Meditation is a simplified version of meditation. It is simple and easy to use but it is also very effective. You don't need to pay attention to the extensive and profound view of the universe behind it, just use it as an effective technology. This technique needs to be used twice a day for 20 minutes each time. The role of meditation is to get rid of those anxiety-producing thoughts. It is a supplement to relaxation training. Meditation can lower your anxiety level and make you no longer nervous about bad things. Therefore, the effect of meditation is better than relaxation training alone.

Of course, there are also some quick treatment methods-a small amount of tranquilizers, such as Valium and other drugs can reduce anxiety in daily life. Alcohol has the same effect. The advantage of all these things is that they have immediate effects and are easy to use. But the use of them often outweighs the gains. Even a small amount of tranquilizers can make you confused and uncoordinated. If you take sedatives regularly, its effect will decrease, your body will become resistant to the drugs, and even become addicted to sedatives. In addition, alcohol can cause serious cognitive and motor skills disturbances while reducing anxiety. Long-term alcohol abuse can damage the liver and brain.

How to use cognitive therapy to change depression

The purpose of cognitive therapy is to change the conscious thinking of depression, defeat, loss and helplessness. There are five principles of cognitive therapy.

First, learn to recognize your subconscious thoughts. These thoughts will rush out when you feel the worst, and they will come so fiercely that you have no time to react or resist. For example, the mother of a three-year-old child sometimes needs to shout loudly to let the child go to school obediently, so she feels very depressed. When receiving cognitive therapy treatment, she tried to recognize what she said to herself after yelling, such as "I am a terrible mother". She has to learn to recognize her subconscious thoughts.

Second, learn to use contrary evidence to refute those subconscious thoughts. For example, the mother repeatedly reminded herself that when the children came home from school, she would play football with them, teach them geometry, and discuss their problems with them in their own way. She collects evidence like this to refute her initial thoughts that she is a terrible mother.

Third, learn different interpretation methods. This is called reattribution. This is also used to refute subconscious thoughts. For example, this mother learned to say to herself: “I feel good when I am with my children in the afternoon, but I don’t feel good in the morning. Maybe I’m not suitable for doing things in the morning.” For “I’m a bad mother, I’m not suitable to be Mother, so I don’t deserve to live in this world.” She is now learning to refute it with a new interpretation style. She said to herself: "This is totally illogical! I'm just not suitable for bringing a child in the morning, why not be worthy of living in this world?"

Fourth, learn to rescue yourself from depressive thoughts. Ruminating can make things worse, especially when a person is under pressure and has to smile. The best course of action is usually not to think about it. You must not only learn to control the content of thinking, but also learn to control the time of thinking.

Fifth, learn to question the assumptions that cause your depression. These assumptions bind you:

●　 "I can't live without love."

●　 "I am a loser because I can't be perfect."

●　 "I am a loser because I have not become a heartthrob."

●　"Every problem has a perfect solution, I have to find it."

Cognitive therapy is very effective, the cure rate is as high as 70%, which is almost the same as the effect of general prescription drugs, but slightly lower than that of electric shock therapy. Cognitive therapy takes a month before it starts to work, usually for several months, two or three times a week. Cognitive therapy is more effective than medication or electric shock therapy alone. It teaches you new ways of thinking in the face of adversity, which can reduce your chance of relapse. Although the effect of preventing recurrence is better than that of drugs, it cannot reduce the recurrence rate to zero.

I have three points about cognitive therapy. First, it is better for moderate depression than for severe depression. Patients with severe depression should take the medicine first. Second, the person receiving cognitive therapy should be a person with relevant education, that is, a person who can think from a psychological perspective. They are aware of their own thoughts and the impact of these thoughts on their emotions. We still don’t know how effective cognitive therapy is for people with lower literacy levels and those who are sophisticated and sophisticated. Third, the recurrence rate of major depression is very high, even after receiving cognitive therapy treatment, the recurrence rate is still high.

How to deal with your anger?

The first step is to make sure to write an "Anger Diary" once a week.

Doing so will let you see your own anger patterns. What caused your anger? Are they trivial things? Did it affect your income or your relationship? Was it interrupted by some chores? Does yelling make things better? Do you feel guilty? Will it pass quickly if you do nothing? Do people like you less than before? Have you reached your goal?

Once you understand your own anger patterns, you should start learning how clinicians deal with anger. Their strategy is simple and you can apply it yourself. There are three components to anger: angry thoughts-being violated; angry physical reactions-rising blood pressure, rapid heartbeat, muscle tension; and angry behavior-attack. We have corresponding methods to defeat each.

thought

When we are stimulated, the time between the inducing event and our response is extremely short. There is an old saying that when you want to get angry, you can read ten silently in your heart. This is a very good suggestion to buy time between stimulation and reaction.

What role does time have? The suggestion of counting to ten assumes that time can suppress impulse. This may seem reasonable, but we can do more than just counting. Telling yourself "I'm blocking my anger" can directly change your mind during this buffer period. You should try to find as many ways as you can. Counting and adding 20 deep breaths (a better way is to sleep) can allow you to try to adjust yourself during this time and adopt methods to restrain your anger.

You can also imagine yourself as a happy swimming fish. Now there are countless fish hooks appearing in front of you in an insulting way. Each hook gives you a choice-whether to take a bite or not. Ask yourself: Is this really hurt? Try to make yourself look at the problem from the perspective of the provocateur and re-analyze the matter:

●　Maybe he also had a sad day;

●　There is no need to think that he is against you;

●　I can’t be unrighteous if he is not kind;

●　He is also involuntarily;

●　This may be a test, relax and deal with it.

You can also use humor to resolve. For example, a reckless driver didn't turn on the turn signal and forced you to stop. You think "this guy is such a bastard", and then imagine that the car in front is a butt with a few feathers on it.

In short, during this time, you have to shift your thoughts from the perspective of yourself to the perspective of tasks. If you think about it, I know it looks like an insult to me, but it's not. This is a challenge. Think of yourself as an EOD. Your job is to dismantle the bomb calmly and meticulously, and make a plan to defuse the attacker's threat.

Body response

Use the extended time to focus on your body's reactions. Use your body's reaction to remind yourself to solve it, not hostile it.

●　My muscles are tense, I should relax;

●　My breathing is short, take a deep breath;

●　He may want to drive me crazy, so I won't let him succeed.

Once in trouble, these tips can help you. But if you find yourself encountering this situation frequently, then you need to avoid anger. Two methods have been tried and tested: progressive relaxation and meditation. Regular practice (twice a day) of relaxation and meditation can help you overcome anger. These methods are equally effective for patients with anxiety disorders.

Aggressive behavior

After the buffer period has passed, you have to act. Apart from losing your temper, you have other options. You can turn the other half of the face to hit him, you can make yourself laugh with humorous stories, or you can respond with witty words.

There are some techniques that are effective in overcoming anger, namely negotiation training and self-affirmation training.

Self-affirmation is broken down into four steps-DESC.

D stands for Describe. Don't mix emotions and evaluations, and see what annoys you. Don't exaggerate it, don't say occasionally as always. Therefore, "relentlessness" is your first step.

E stands for Express. Tell me how it makes you feel. Don't blame, don't judge others, just make sure what kind of emotion you are feeling.

S stands for Specify. Make it clear what you want the other person to do.

C represents the result (Consequence). Finally tell yourself what you will do if the other person is unwilling to do it. Don't threaten, intimidate or frighten the other person.

Be a healthy and happy fat man

In addition to dieting, there are other ways to help you achieve your goals.

Health and obesity. I always go to the swimming pool to swim 800 meters every day, and I have been swimming for about a year. I haven't lost weight, but my hips are stronger, my mood and sleep are better, and my energy is more energetic. I have read the scientific literature on exercise and know that health is more meaningful than weight loss.

A small amount of exercise can significantly reduce mortality. The Harvard alumni study I mentioned earlier also confirmed this: sedentary people have a 30% higher death rate than people who exercise moderately. From a statistical point of view, moderate exercise-burning 8,400 joules of calories a week, can make a person live two more years. Moderate exercise refers to one hour of walking, half an hour of jogging or half an hour of swimming every day. Exercise can also fight depression and improve self-esteem. The effect of exercise on mortality is much greater than weight loss, and it may be easier to maintain exercise than diet because exercise is fun.

Exercise itself may not reduce weight, but in any case, exercise is good for health. But there is also a trap here. If you combine exercise and diet to lose weight, once your weight starts to rebound, you may give up exercise.

Diet menu. Eating less may be of no use, but eating less unhealthy food is useful. Be especially careful with fatty and alcoholic foods. In the 20th century, the amount of fat in the American diet increased by 25%, and the fat in the food was converted into body fat. Fast foods, chocolate bars and ice cream are all high in fat. There are few benefits of drinking, but many disadvantages. Alcohol is high in calories, it can be addictive and it can damage the brain.

Changing your diet may not help you lose weight. We don't know whether the body will make up for the calories lost by low-fat or low-alcohol diets if implemented for a long time, but reducing these two types of foods is good for health.

Only eat when you are hungry. Eating without being hungry is an overeating, which is more troublesome than being overweight. Unlike being overweight, you can prevent overeating. Most people don't know what hunger is, and usually eat when it's time, regardless of whether they are hungry or not. When food is delicious, we will eat a lot whether hungry or not.

Excessive eating may also be another consequence of dieting. Eating as much as you want when you are hungry is an unavailable luxury for dieters, and they become overeating and overeating.

Here are a few steps to stop overeating and experience hunger pangs:

●　When you see something delicious, ask yourself "Is it what my stomach needs or is it my glutton". If it's just gluttonous, don't eat it;

●　When the main course is half-eaten, stop for a minute and ask yourself "Am I full?" If you are already full, pack the rest of the food and finish the meal; if you are not full, wait until three-quarters Ask yourself again when

●　Taste food slowly and often drink saliva to slow down your eating. Put the knife and fork down when chewing. This allows you to consider whether you need to eat more food to be full.

Finally, if you are an overeating person, you may eat all the food in front of you. This habit must be broken, too much food will eventually accumulate on your waist. You can do a toilet flushing exercise to break this habit. Next time when your main course is half-eaten, stop, cut the remaining food into pieces, and pour it into the toilet to flush.

下面是一些你可以改变的事情：

●　药物根治不了惊恐障碍，改变观念却可以根治惊恐障碍；

●　认知疗法可以很容易地治疗性功能障碍，如性冷淡、阳痿、早泄；

●　对身体有害的那些情绪是可以控制的；

●　改变有意识的思考方式或药物可以治疗抑郁症，用心理分析挖掘出童年创伤则是徒劳无功的；

●　乐观是一种可以习得的技能，一旦习得了，你的事业和健康便都可以更上一层楼。

下面则是一些你无法改变的事情：

●　从长远来看，节食不能减肥；

●　要小孩子转变自己的性别认同不是件容易的事；

●　酗酒是无可救药的；

●　同性恋者不会变成异性恋者；

●　重新再经历一次童年的创伤不会对成年人的人格问题有任何帮助。

对于无法改变的事情，我们应该怎么做？当务之急是找出自己有哪些东西是不能改变的。但不是到此就结束了，通常还有许多应对的方法可以帮助我们改变。

如何减少生活中的焦虑?

推荐两种经过大量研究证实确实有效的改善日常生活焦虑的技术。这两种技术都没有立竿见影的效果，都需要你每天花20～40分钟的时间，并且持之以恒地使用。

第一个技术是渐进式放松训练。必须每天最少做一次（最好两次），每次至少10分钟。在进行渐进式放松训练时，你要先绷紧全身的肌肉，然后慢慢放松身体的主要肌肉，直到完全松弛下来。大部分时候，放松训练都有一个反馈系统。这个反馈系统是与焦虑相对抗的。

第二个技术是冥想。超觉冥想 是冥想的简化版。它简单易行但也很有效果。你不必理会它背后博大精深的宇宙观，仅仅把它当作一个有效的技术去使用就可以了。这个技术需要每天使用两次，每次20分钟。冥想的作用在于驱除那些令人产生焦虑的想法，它是放松训练的补充。冥想可以降低你的焦虑水平，使你不再对坏事神经过敏。因此，冥想的效果要好于单独的放松训练。

当然，也有一些快速治疗的方法——少量的镇静剂，如安定等药物都可以减少日常生活中的焦虑。酒精也有同样的效果。所有这些东西的好处是，它们的效果立竿见影，而且使用方便。但使用它们往往得不偿失，即使是少量的镇静剂也会让你思维混乱、手脚不协调。如果经常服用镇静剂，它的效果就会下降，你的身体会产生抗药性，甚至会对镇静剂上瘾。另外，酒精在减少焦虑的同时还会令人产生严重的认知功能和动作技能的紊乱，长期酗酒则会损害肝和大脑。

如何使用认知疗法来改变抑郁

认知疗法的目的是改变抑郁症患者对失败、打击、失落和无助的有意识思维。认知疗法共有五个原则。

第一，学会辨认自己下意识的想法。这些想法会在你感觉最糟的时候冲出来，而且来势汹汹，让你来不及反应，也无力反抗。例如，一个三岁孩子的母亲有时需要大声嚷嚷才能让小孩乖乖去上学，于是她觉得很抑郁。在接受认知疗法治疗时，她尝试着辨认在嚷嚷后自己对自己说的话，比如“我是一个很差劲的母亲”等。她要学会认出自己这些下意识的想法。

第二，学会用相反的证据来反驳那些下意识的想法。例如，这位母亲反复提醒自己，当孩子放学回家时，她会与他们一起踢足球，教他们学几何，并用他们的方式与他们探讨他们的问题。她收集诸如此类的证据来反驳她最初认为自己是个很糟糕的母亲的念头。

第三，学会不同的解释方法，这叫作重新归因。这也是用来反驳下意识想法的。例如，这位母亲学会对自己说：“我下午和孩子们在一起时感觉很好，只是早上感觉不好，也许我不适合在早上做事。”对于“我是个糟糕的母亲，我不适合当母亲，所以我不配活在这个世界上”的想法，她现在学着用新的解释风格来反驳。她对自己说：“这完全不合逻辑啊！我只是不适合在早上带小孩而已，为什么不配活在这个世界上呢？”

第四，学会把自己从抑郁的想法中解救出来。反刍会让情况越来越糟，尤其是当一个人处于压力之下还得强颜欢笑时。最好的做法通常就是不去想它。你不仅要学会控制思考的内容，还要学会控制思考的时间。

第五，学会质疑引起你抑郁的那些假设。这些假设束缚了你：

●　“没有爱我活不下去。”

●　“我是个失败者，因为我没能做到完美。”

●　“我是个失败者，因为我没有成为万人迷。”

●　“每个问题都有一个完美的解决方案，我得找到它。”

认知疗法非常有效，治愈率高达70%，这几乎和一般的处方药的效果差不多，但是略低于电击疗法的。认知疗法要一个月后才开始见效，通常要治疗几个月，一周进行两三次。认知疗法比单独的药物或电击疗法的效果好，它教给你面临逆境时新的思维方式，这样就可以减少你复发的概率。虽然它防止复发的效果要好于药物，但也不能把复发率降到零。

我对认知疗法的看法有三点。第一，它对中度抑郁症的治疗效果要好于对重度抑郁症的，重度抑郁症患者应该先用药。第二，接受认知疗法的人应当是受过相关教育的人，即可以从心理学的角度思考的人。他们能意识到自己的想法以及这些想法对自己情绪的影响。认知疗法对那些文化水平较低的人和那些圆滑世故的人的效果如何，我们还不得而知。第三，重度抑郁症的复发率很高，即使接受了认知疗法的治疗，复发率还是较高。

如何应对你的愤怒？

第一步是保证每周写一次“愤怒日记”，

这样做会让你看到自己的愤怒模式。是什么事情引发了你的愤怒？是些琐碎的小事吗？影响到了你的收入还是感情？是被一些杂事打断？大喊会使事情变得更好吗？你感到内疚吗？如果你什么都不做它会很快过去吗？人们是否不如以前喜欢你了？你达到目的了吗？

一旦了解了自己的愤怒模式，你就应该开始学习临床医师解决愤怒的方法。他们的策略很简单，你自己完全可以应用。愤怒有三个成分：愤怒的思想——被侵犯；愤怒的身体反应——血压上升、心跳加速、肌肉紧张；还有愤怒的行为——攻击。我们有相应的方法来各个击破。

思想

当我们受到刺激时，诱发事件和我们的反应之间的时间极其短暂。有一句老话说，想发火的时候在心里默念到十。这是非常好的建议，可以在刺激和反应间争取时间。

时间有什么作用呢？数到十的建议假设时间可以抑制冲动。这似乎有些道理，但我们可以做的不仅是数数。告诉自己“我正在阻断我的愤怒”可以在这段缓冲期内直接改变自己的想法。你应该尽量多找点方法，数数再加上20次深呼吸（更好的方法是睡觉）可以让你在这段时间里尝试调整自己，采取克制愤怒的方法。

你还可以想象自己是一条快乐游动的鱼。现在有无数的鱼钩，以侮辱的方式出现在你的面前。每一个鱼钩都给你提供了选择——要不要咬一口。问问自己：这真的是种伤害吗？试着让自己从挑衅者的角度去看问题，重新分析这件事情：

●　也许他也有难过的一天；

●　没有必要认为他是针对你的；

●　他不仁我不能不义；

●　他也是身不由己；

●　这可能是一个考验，放松去应对。

你还可以用幽默来化解。例如，一个莽撞的司机没有打转向灯，结果迫使你停了下来。你心想“这家伙真是个混蛋”，然后想象前面的车是一个屁股，上面还插了几根羽毛。

总之，在这个时间里，你要把思想从自我角度转到任务角度上。你要想，我知道这看上去很像是对我的侮辱，但它不是。这是一种挑战。不妨把自己看成排爆者，你的工作就是冷静细致地拆除炸弹，为化解进攻者的威胁制订计划。

身体反应

用延长了的时间去关注你的身体反应。利用身体反应提醒自己去解决它，而不要敌视它。

●　我的肌肉紧张，应该放松一下；

●　我的呼吸急促，做一下深呼吸；

●　他可能想让我抓狂，我才不会让他得逞。

一旦陷入困境，这些技巧可以帮助你。但如果你发现自己频繁地遇到这种状况，那么就需要避免愤怒了。有两种方法是屡试不爽的：渐进式放松和冥想。有规律的练习（每天两次）放松和冥想可以帮助你克服愤怒。这些方法对焦虑症患者也同样有效。

攻击行为

缓冲期过去后，你就得有所行动了。除了发脾气，你还有其他的选择。你可以转另半边脸给他打，可以用幽默的故事让自己开怀大笑，也可以用机智的话语来应对。

有一些技巧在克服发怒方面很有效，即谈判训练和自我肯定训练。

自我肯定分解成四步——DESC。

D代表描述（Describe）。不夹杂感情和评价，看看到底是什么让你感到烦恼。不要夸大它，不要把偶尔说成总是。所以，“冷酷无情”是你走出的第一步。

E代表表达（Express）。说说它是怎样让你感觉到的。不要指责，不要评价别人，只要确定你感受到的是哪种情绪。

S代表指明（Specify）。明确指出你希望对方做什么。

C代表结果（Consequence）。最后告诉自己如果对方不愿意做的话你会怎么办。不要去威胁、恐吓或吓唬对方。

做个健康快乐的胖子

除了节食还有其他方法可以帮你达成目标。

健康与肥胖。我每天会坚持去游泳馆游800米，并已经游了大概一年。我的体重没有减轻，但我的臀部更结实了，情绪和睡眠更好了，精力也更充沛了。我阅读过运动方面的科学文献，知道健康比减肥更有意义。

少量运动可以显著降低死亡率。前面我提到的哈佛校友研究也证实了这一点：久坐的人比适量运动的人的死亡率高出30%。从统计学角度来看，适量运动——一个星期燃烧掉8400焦耳的热量，可以让人多活两年。适量运动指的是每天一个小时的散步、半个小时的慢跑或半个小时的游泳。运动还可以抵抗抑郁，提高自尊。运动对死亡率的作用要远大于减肥，而且坚持运动可能比节食更容易，因为运动很有趣。

运动本身可能不会减轻体重，但无论如何，运动对健康有益。但这里也有一个陷阱，如果你将运动和节食相结合来进行减肥，一旦体重开始反弹，那你可能就会放弃运动。

节食菜单。少吃东西可能没有什么用，但少吃不健康的食物很有用。要特别小心脂肪和酒精类食物。20世纪，美国人饮食中所含的脂肪量增加了25%，而食物中的脂肪转化成了人体内的脂肪。快餐、巧克力棒和冰激凌都含有很高的脂肪。喝酒的好处很少，坏处却很多。酒含有很高的热量，会让人上瘾，还对大脑有损害。

改变饮食结构不一定能帮你减肥。我们不清楚如果长期实行，身体是否会补足低脂或低酒精饮食所失去的热量，但减少这两类食物对健康有益。

只在饿的时候吃。不饿就吃属于过度饮食，这是比超重还麻烦的问题。与超重不同的是，你能防止过度饮食。多数人不知道什么是饥饿，通常到时间了就去吃饭，而不管自己是否饿了。当食物很好吃时，无论饿不饿，我们都会吃很多。

过度饮食也可能是节食的另一个后果。在饥饿的时候想吃就吃对节食者来说是享受不到的奢侈，他们因此变得暴饮暴食，成为过度饮食的人。

下面是停止过度饮食和体会饥饿感的几个步骤：

●　当你看到一些好吃的东西时，问问自己“是我的胃需要，还是我嘴馋”，如果只是嘴馋，就不要吃；

●　当主菜吃到一半时，停下来一分钟问问自己“我饱了吗”，假如你已经饱了，把剩下的食物打包，结束用餐；假如你没有饱，等吃到四分之三的时候再问自己一回；

●　慢慢地品尝食物且时常喝口水来减缓你的进食，咀嚼的时候把刀叉放下，这可以让你考虑是否需要吃更多的食物才会饱。

最后，如果是过度饮食者，那你可能会吃掉摆在面前的所有食物。必须打破这个习惯，太多的食物最后会堆积在你的腰上。你可以做一个冲厕所的练习来打破这种习惯。下一次当你的主菜吃到一半时，停下来，把剩下的食物切成碎块，把它们倒进厕所里冲掉。